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He was one of my closest friends, we did everything together: hung out every weekend, went out to lunch during school days, texted all the time… Back in high school, it felt like he was my other half. We just got along so well. Then one day, he asked out my best friend and they began dating. I had always just had a secret crush, but I knew he saw me as a homie and nothing more, so what could I say when he started dating my beautiful best friend? Unfortunately, their dating experience was short-lived and after a few weeks, it ended. His reason? He finally saw me differently, I was no longer “just a homie,” I was the girl that “got him” and he realized that he did not have anything in common with my best friend. Sadly, she was heartbroken when they broke up and having always had a secret crush, there was nothing I could do or say to make her understand my side. So I could never act on my true feelings and tell him that the feeling was reciprocated. Now… 7 years later, I look back and still wonder, what could have been?
When is it appropriate to date someone your friend dated? Do you have to ask for permission or is your friend’s ex ALWAYS off limits? Both in the U.S. and Iran, it feels like there aren’t too many fish in the sea… but at the same time, who wants the sloppy seconds! Is timing a factor? Could I have dated my best friend’s ex the next year? I always wondered: they dated for such a short time and he had always been my friend- in fact, sometimes I feel like she should have asked MY permission! Join our co-hosts on Wednesday as they discuss whether or not it is appropriate to date your friend’s ex– in the meantime, what do you think: Is it appropriate to date your friend’s ex? What if you liked him first?
Link: Iman mentioned Garbage in Karaj
Iranian Live Talk Show airs on RadioJavan.com every other Wed @ 7PM, every Fri 9AM on Radio Bamdad Sacramento, and is available for podcast every Wed on Iranican.com.
31 comments
OMG! the girls in the picture are so hot. I don’t give a damn whose ex they are. I want to date them!!!
paresimorgh Says:
August 4, 2011 at 10:51pm
In regards to your next topic which was posted on facebook: real life is not a soap opera where in o un roo ham mirizan va bad az ye modat miran ba refighe in o un roo ham mirizan… akheh in soal ha chie? Jaye bahs nadareh keh, aberoo rizie! hich adame dorost hesabi keh aghl o sho’or dareh nemireh ex e friendesho date koneh. Yek kam manteghi fekr konid. Would you go through your friend’s trashcan and eat his left over Lasagna from last night that he threw away? Why or why not? There’s a reason your friend’s relationship is in the trashcan now! It’s like going through someone’s garbage for leftovers. There are plenty of other guys/girls to choose from that don’t come with any drama/baggage, Ghat-ee keh neest!
Paresimorgh, that’s an interesting point. One of my friends has had a LOT of boyfriends, and she has dated almost every guy in our large group of friends. When you hang out with a group so regularly, it is easy to get a crush on someone within that group, right? So what do you do in that situation? Have you ever had an instance where someone your friend dated very briefly years ago ended up being the object of your affection? or vice versa?
Hi Sarah, you know how some girls get havasi with hair color and one week they’re a red head, the next week they’re a blonde, then they go brunette, then they decide to get highlights… some people are like that with boyfriends/girlfriends har hafte miran asheghe yeki mishan. You can’t take these kinda people seriously enough to be in a relationship with.
It’s not like there is a shortage of Iranian guys/girls out there!!! Statistically, there are a MILLION ways to meet someone. In harf ha ham keh tooye community local Irooni kame o ina hamash bahoonast. I don’t think it’s really necessary/appropriate for all the Iranians in your town to have dated you!!! You should THINK and make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before you start dating someone especially in Iranian community where everyone pretty much knows eachother one way or another and talk circulates quickly. Dating your friend’s ex could make you a local celebraty in a bad way!!!
Bara kasani keh negaranan ta akhare omr mojarad bemoonan, negaran nabashid! Irooniha rahe hal baraye in moshkel hezar sal pish ekhtera kardan va amrikaee ha ta saleh 1962 tool keshid keh beh in natijeh beresan
(in ghablan inja post shod vali man baz ham post mikonam chon mardom bayad bekhoonan ta bavar konan rahe hal ham hast baraye in masale): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stable_marriage_problem
look at the situation mathmatically and you can save yourself and your friends a lot of drama! I don’t mean to sound like I’m an ultra-conservative, I’m not against dating as long as it’s done in an aberoomandaneh way, not in a way where all the girls/guys in the community date eachother like in those soap operas you see on daytime TV, it’s like eating from the garbage can when you have the ability to make a nice, hearty meal for yourself…
PareSimorgh e Aziz,
I am sorry but I am shocked at your “garbage can” parallel, and level of objectification you have used, especially to hear something like that coming out of a girl!! The only way this makes sense to me is if you were completely and strictly against any sort of dating…
Just to put things in perspective for you, I would like you to imagine yourself permanently moving into a new town and after a little while start dating a super-social guy. This guy is so sociable that pretty much everyone in the community knows him well, and in fact most of the guys are good friends with him. Now this guy is in no way compatible with you, but you have no way of knowing this beforehand do you? In fact it takes 6 months of dating until you realize this relationship doesn’t work and you break up. For the purposes of this argument, let’s assume that every single reason for this breakup was his fault. Now coming out of that relationship, what are your expectations? How should people look at you? How would you feel if all the guys around him, knowing both of you people and him much better than you, looked at you like a piece of garbage?! Most of whom are very respectable guys, and unlike this one you just dated, a few of them are very compatible with you! And what if one of his good friends is a PERFECT match for you?
If you are truly a great human being, and hold moral and ethical values, you have just imposed a huge restriction on yourself. What if that community is where you are staying for a lifetime with only 50 Iranians or less? And don’t tell me you will start online dating or ask your parents to AGHD you with a guy they believe is your match back in Tehran, with only your picture on the SOFREH! I am not against arranged marriages and the traditional khastegari, but there are so many different scenarios where your solutions would not work.
I believe this ideology is very detrimental especially for women. Think about it, really? Why should someone’s ex be called “left-over lasagna?” What has he or she done to deserve such title? Isn’t there enough negative stereo types in our culture against dating? Let’s not add modern ones to it. I know I may be running on tangents here, but there is truly no difference between someone who has been dated by someone you know and one dated by random strangers, in fact I can bring many arguments using your own philosophy against those who have dated people you don’t know. You can easily imagine some worse case scenarios for yourself just by thinking about the unknowns! I don’t want to promote dating a friend’s ex or vice-versa, especially if they’re best friends! But to me this way of thinking is just as stupid and backwards as when a poor divorced girl in our traditional culture is doomed because no one would want a “sloppy second!” I would marry a divorced girl who has human values over any little virgin brat who thinks there is a value in holding superstitious ideas!
I would have to agree with Iman.
I think it’s a little excessive to say that dating someone within your community is “aberoomandaneh.” You cant really control you who start having feelings for… or at least- it’s very rare that you can stop yourself from feeling something for someone… why do you have to go out of your way to meet someone that no one else within your community, family and friends know when there is some right there that you like? Also– dating someone within your community doesnt ALWAYS have to end up turning into a soap opera. I like to think that as we get older, MOST people can be mature… therefore, if you are a rational and mature person, wouldn’t you know how to approach this kind of situation? Or at least how to START approaching this kind of situation?
I truly believe that no matter what the situation is, there is always a right way and a wrong way to approach it. The wrong way: act a fool and dont own up to your actions. I dont think you should ever care that people might view you negatively unless you’re acting like a bacheh or an embarrassment after the age of 18.
And paresimorgh, you are right- I ALSO dont think it’s necessary for all the iranian guys/girls in your community to have dated you- in fact, i think that is excessive, but i also dont think you should have to ignore the people that you are constantly around to go out of your way to find someone else to date.
Additionally, (in response to reading your comment below). Like you, I grew up in the United States but my family and I went back to Iran every summer pretty much every year of my life. And unfortunately, having that “American upbringing,” a lot of times my cousins or friends thought I would be a little “Crazier” because “Amricaiam,” so I had to be more careful and conservative with my actions too. But I dont think that you have to change your dating style so dramatically as to find someone in a DIFFERENT city just to “be conservative.” Have you ever had a long distance relationship? I dont think they are impossible, but they arent easy… and yes if you really like someone you should be willing to fight for them. But when you start out in the beginning of your relationship already having a long distance relationship- it makes it really harder to get to know someone. I dont think that long distance relationships work out that way. I htink they work out if you guys have spent time together (NOT just on the telephone) and built a foundation to your relationship before having to move to different cities.
Dating some one’s Ex is wrong in many levels but I can see situations where its possible. It depends on how good of a friend you guys are. How long they have dated. How serious they were. Who dumped who. How much you like her. How much he likes her, or if you looking to get laid or an actual relationship.
Iman Jan, I think you are misunderstanding a lot of what I am saying.
When I used the left over lasagna recipe metaphor I meant the relationship you are getting into akhar aghebat nadareh, it’s going to be one big trashy mess. I’m not calling a girl or guy left over lasagna or sloppy leftovers. The previous relationship has a lot of baggage because you know the ex. You can not deny this! If the breakup was bad the girl might go on to tell you a lot of bad things about her ex or your friend might tell you a lot of bad things about your now girlfriend! So, there IS a difference between someone who has dated your friend and someone who hasn’t! Think about all the drama that’s going to come into the picture between you and your friend and the talk that’s going to circulate and 100 rumors on top of it, you could be blamed for their breakup. Think about the situation this way: if you and your friend were close chances are you used to hang out with the ex too while they were dating. Now once they’ve broken up if you start dating her, it could bring about an uncomfortable situation for you and your friend and a scene straight out of days of our lives or the bold and the beautiful or Jerry springer could end up being a true life story for you!
“In fact it takes 6 months of dating until you realize this relationship doesnât work and you break up”
Time has nothing to do with it. There are people who date for several YEARS bad dozarishoon tazeh miofteh keh bayad breakup konan. So, I don’t think this is necessarily true. Infact whether a lot your relationship works out depends a lot on yourself and how much gozasht you have and how much the other person is willing to put certain things aside, because no one is perfect…
“Most of whom are very respectable guys, and unlike this one you just dated, a few of them are very compatible with you! And what if one of his good friends is a PERFECT match for you?”
This is a separate topic but sometimes it does not matter how good of a match people are. Sharayet, mogheyat, va environment agar khoob nabasheh, the relationship is going to end up in the trashcan no matter how good of a match the two people are. Taking this sharayet into consideration, you could end up losing both breaking up with the girl/guy and losing your friend. I mean there are exceptions but it’s a rarity that you see something like this lasting into a meaningful relationship.
“If you are truly a great human being, and hold moral and ethical values, you have just imposed a huge restriction on yourself. What if that community is where you are staying for a lifetime with only 50 Iranians or less? And donât tell me you will start online dating or ask your parents to AGHD you with a guy they believe is your match back in Tehran, with only your picture on the SOFREH! I am not against arranged marriages and the traditional khastegari, but there are so many different scenarios where your solutions would not work.”
I’m NOT saying go get married the traditional way I’m saying adam hichvaght sare injoor chiz ha HERS nabayad bezane, adam nabayad ajaleh koneh, bayad dorost tasmim begireh. Hichvaght nabayad fekr konim keh kase digeh ee neesto peyda nemisheh o irooni kameh because this is how you get in a bad relationship and also khodemoono alaki narahat mikonim. Some Iranians get depressed over this matter that they’ll never find someone, I always think it’s so stupid because there’s not going to be a shortage of guys/girls. WORST case scenario, you’ll have an arranged marriage. Also, I’m not saying you should confine yourself to the city with 50 Iranians. Chances are you have friends in other cities with more Iranians and always have the chance of meeting someone through friends. If you are serious enough about a relationship you can find a way to date someone in another city.
“I donât want to promote dating a friendâs ex or vice-versa, especially if theyâre best friends! But to me this way of thinking is just as stupid and backwards as when a poor divorced girl in our traditional culture is doomed because no one would want a âsloppy second!”
Divorced girls is another topic. In the friend scenario, you still socialize with your friend. With divorced girls, you don’t socialize with the girl’s ex husband. Unless the girl has kids, it’s as if the previous marriage never existed.
Finally, Iman jan, I can understand a lot of what you are saying because I understand the background you’re coming from. You have to understand, the difference between me and you lies in the fact the you grew up in Iran, while I have lived my entire life here in the United States (although we would travel to Iran briefly for the summer every year). I have seen the negative effects being too liberal when it comes to dating and family values can have on a society here (particularly for females), which is why I have a tendency to lean the conservative way for these topics.
Hi,
My question is not related to this post… But I really wanna know when you guys are gonna post the video for 2011 Tirgan Festival ?
Thank you!
Also, one VERY last comment I wanted to add. In the 50’s and 60’s the US culture was very different. I don’t know if any of you have seen the old tv shows from that time period. There was more of a conservative atmosphere with emphasis on friendship and family. People have lost sight of these values since then and now there is a thirst for it. Americans are starting to build their cities more around the family, politicians are talking more about the family, schools are requiring ethics courses as part of graduation requirements but now it’s too late. Once a society loses sight of these values, there is no turning back. It might be good to talk about the value of friendship, loyalty to your friends and the ethics of dating your friend’s ex. and how our cultural expectations in friendships shape our society.
Regarding this topic, I think I can give a Personal example and you guys can tell me if it’s messed up or what…
So I started dating this girl who had just moved to US. we got really close really fast and in a matter of few months she was already talking about marriage and kids. This girl at the age 29 had NO education past high school and showed no Desire and Drive to go college, work or even learn English…Despite all these, she constantly pointed out that she is getting old and need to get married and have kids soon. I figured that there won’t be any future for us as couple, since she was lacking a lot of qualities that I look for in a partner and I couldn’t give her what she wanted anytime soon…therefore, I decided to breakup with her and stay just friends (at the time she was my sisters BFF too).
Now here is the good part: just a little over 2 months after our breakup, I found out that she is now dating my COUSIN who is 7 years her Junior…now this is messed up, right!!
Finally somebody who understands what I am talking about! Yes, Aria, that is truly messed up! And this is exactly the end result of having that mentality that “oh irooni in doro vara kame, I’m never gonna find someone, I need to date the first available girl/guy I see, I’m getting old digeh dareh dir misheh..” breeds and it is most dangerous for the females unfortunately. I am glad you were strong enough to end the relationship. A lot of times people see a negative quality in someone early on that they know they can’t tolerate and ignore it because of other positive qualities they see in the person.
Would you date your friend’s ex?
Get real, at this day and age this is the last thing one may be worried about.
you can pick a topic better than this, more exciting usefull practical…. you name it, just not this dumb choice of topic you made
Is there anything you would like to hear Iranican discuss specifically?
To Sarah
Criticism without offering solutions is useless, so here are my suggested topics:
is marriage good or bad ? What girls find most attractive in guys and vice versa ?
Or like finance and bussiness: what type of jobs you wish you were working at ? ….
Touché!
Mercy!
Iman, mesle in ke be radio BAMDAAD ziad goosh midi dadash… sootito migam ;0)
Mahmoud Jan,
Iranican Live broadcasts both on Radio Javan and Radio Bamdad (Sacramento). This week we put up the Radio Bamdad version =) first, but it’s now been replaced by the RJ version.
Thanks for listening and noticing!
If you had dared to go through dating at the very first time you crushed on her, your story would have ended up in a different way!
After listening to this show, I wanted to clarify a few things because it appears the context of the metaphor I used was taken the wrong way. Just so that it is made clear, I never called Iman or anyone else tah moondeye ghaza or anything like that!!! I meant the act of dating your friend’s ex is (in my opinion) kind of a cheap, like eating out of the garbage can and we should place more value on our friends and be wary of the consequences of our actions. I DID NOT mean that you should not date someone who has had an ex or that if you have had an ex you are tah moondeye ghaza!
Secondly, to those on the show who said I sounded like a mean, bitter person. I assure you I am very nice and not bitter at all. I LOVE all human beings including all those who are a part of this show. Hata in shahed keh hameh miomadan migoftan englisi balghoor mikoneh, man kheyli doosesh daram va aslan kollan hameye adamha va ensanha ro man doost daram va beh kasi inja man ghasdeh tohin nadaram.
Finally, and this part of my rant is directed more at Iman after re-reading his post above ^. Do you really and honestly think this issue that a girl or guy has been with someone or has had an ex is still a problem in Iran or for Iranians or that it is even important enough to be discussed? I mean, I’m not saying there aren’t people that don’t think like that, but I think as a whole we are more open minded than we give ourselves credit for. Of all the Iranians you know, do you personally know of any divorced Iranian female who no one would marry because she was divorced? All the divorced females I know who live in Iran have remarried! Some of them more than once! Hamin 3 hafteh pish man Tehran boodam bavaret nemisheh cheh sahnehaee too khiaboon ha mididam. Az too park dashtam rad mishodam didam yek dokhtare CHADORI rooye nimkat khabideh bood roo paye yek pesar! yani az pesare beh unvane yek balesh estefadeh kardeh bood! I was really shocked because dokhtareh CHADOR saresh bood bad hamintor keh man dashtam in sahneh ro ba tajob tamasha mikardam dokhtare bye, bye kard! Vaghean ajib bood baram. Anyway, hamin keh migi dow nafaro aghd mikonano faghat akse dokhtare ro mizaran sare sofreh, do you personally know of any two Iranians who have gotten married this way? I don’t! I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m saying if it does happen, keep in mind it happens in families where the family might have some financial problems or something like that, it has nothing to do with being traditional or conservative or even religious. So, lets not add fire and fuel to the false propaganda that is being spread about Iranian culture and traditions.
Hi “paresimorgh”,
Half the time, I have this strong urge to tell you to shut up. But at the same time I enjoy reading the many rambling paragraphs you write.
Ariana
P.S 99 percent of the time, I stay true to my philosophy “javab ablahan khamooshist”, but I guess in your case I could not resist.
Geez… and they said *I* was bitter!
Ariana, I realize a lot of people (ok most, if not all people here) don’t agree with me and I don’t have a problem with that. But I still think it’s important we learn to be respectful of eachother and our differences in opinion.
Either way, no hard feelings. Paresimorgh LOVES everybody! Even you Ariana!!! <3
I’m with you paresimorgh, even if I don’t agree with you, your opinion and point of view is important and a learning experience for me. Thanks for that.
Farzad is a 3-minutes man. Lol
I doubt he’ll last 3 minutes. More like 30 seconds.
yeah, i think he was exagerating his stamina on the show, 30 seconds or 1 minutes max sounds more real for him
rastesh in mozo khaili mozoe mohemie bara man.manam shayad mesle farzad nemitonam bebinam ke kasio ke bahash ghablan bahash bodam alan dastesh to daste digarie.in raftar ghalate .pas sai mikonam ke cheshmamo bebandamo on lahze koor sham :)!!!!you know !! in raftar kamelan ghalate vali khob shayad on khaterati ke man ba on 2khtar dashtam dige nemitonam bebinam ke yeki dige on tajrobiato khaterate mano ba on tkrar mikone…man sai mikonam ke entekhabam khaili khaili deghat konamo bara save zendegim va rabetam hame kar konam ta in ke ba 100 nafar bashamo vaghti eine on 100 nafaro mibinam ke to khiabon ba 100 nafare gigan ehsasatam jarihe dar sheo narahat besham…kolamo seft migiram ke bad nabare….
Frazad khili bahali, asheghe in tike hatam. baghie hasoodison nashe, Farzad namake barnamast, shoma ha gooshto berenjashid. ha ha 😉
Mohamad jan mishe begi baghiye daghighan chian? Masalan Shahed goosht? salade? berenje? Va hatta agar betooni kheili daghigh begi ke masalan agar kasi gooshte, gooshte goosalast, goosfande? Ya noon barbariye, taftoone?
Mamnoon!