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The next “magic” word after “Please” and “Thank You” is probably “Sorry.” Words have meanings and the misuse of words or expression is nothing short of lying, if done intentionally. Often times though, we may not be aware of our (mis)use, so let’s run through it:

An effective apology should have 3 S’s
1) Sincerity – It needs to be real, & from the heart
2) Specificity – What it is exactly you’re apologizing for, something you think is wrong
3) Seriousness – Genuine effort on your part to avoid repeating it in the future.

There are some commonly used phrases that make an apology ineffective:
– I’m sorry, BUT you did this (avoiding responsibility and blame)
– I’m sorry, IF you got hurt (IFs are irrelevant)
– I’m sorry THAT YOU got hurt (violates the 2nd S Specificity, you’re apologizing for his/her reaction not your action)

I’m about to throw a ginormous ACHAR FARANCE (monkey wrench) in and make things a bit complicated. The way one thinks about an apology has a lot to do with the way they give and receive apologies. The above example assumes the position that an apology is used for the person’s own sake as a tool to redefine who they are. They are apologizing, or redefining themselves from the person they were to whom they want to be.

You may run across someone who has a different outlook on apologies; one may think that the person who apologizes is inferior, though-less, and is to further blame, and punished. If it’s not obvious to you already, this is an unhealthy outlook on apologies. Not only does an apology to this person not take anything forward, but this person’s reaction negatively reinforces even sincere apologies in the future. The takeaway if faced with this situation is to use your judgment, apologize to yourself to redefine yourself for your sub-conscious, but hold off on the apology to the other person until you can establish a common ground on what an apology is. Work on establishing the same definitions to the words and phrases you use, it’s an extra effort that will pay in any relationship.

-This show was put together with consultation from Life Coach Mehrdad Moayedzadeh @ lifeisimportant.com

Links from the show: Helping Saeid Malekpour Blog & Facebook ,  Do you need to apologize?, Research1,  Research2,  Research3

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